More Lawyers Jokes
| "I never met a lawyer half as crooked as his client wanted him to be." |
| A bigshot city lawyer and
an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their
cars to survey the damage. After looking over the lawyer in his $1,000
suit, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it
back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty
shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your
nerves." The lawyer did. The farmer said, "You still look a little
bit pale. How about another?" And the lawyer took another swallow.
At the urging of the farmer, he took another, and another, and another.
Finally, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the farmer
if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. "Not me", the farmer replied. "I'm waiting for the state trooper." |
| A guy is talking to his lawyer about his upcoming anniversary. He just doesn't know what to get his wife for a present, and asks for advice. "How about a divorce?", The lawyer suggests. The guy thinks a second but then shakes his head. "No, I didn't want to spend that much." |
| A bar was so sure that
its bartender was the strongest man in the world that it offered $1,000 to
anyone who could beat him in one task. The bartender squeezed a lemon until
all the juice ran out. Anyone who could get a drop of juice out of it after
the bartender was done would win the $1,000. Many strong people had tried
and failed. One day a scrawny man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He squeaked, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the rind to the man, who to everyone’s amazement, squeezed six drops into the glass. Stunned, the bartender paid up, and then asked the man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight lifter?” "Nope," the man replied. “I'm an attorney for the IRS.” |
| A man was involved in a
criminal case in which the defendant, acting as his own counsel, was frequently
reprimanded by the judge for badgering the witness. Finally this self-attorney closed with one last question: " You really don't like the defendant, do you?" The witness sat back in his chair for a moment or two, then leaned into the microphone. "I really don't know anything about the defendant," he said. "But I have taken a strong dislike to his attorney." |
| A young lawyer was defending
a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence
was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the
senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge
a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!" |
| A doctor, a lawyer, a little
boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private
plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best
efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed
a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed
out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace". The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack." |
| Johnny Cochran was duck
hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field
to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up
truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it’s mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don’t know, and I don’t care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I’m the reason he is a free man today. And if you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I’ll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law’." "Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours". Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it’s my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck." |
| Three lawyers and three
accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The
three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only
one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their
action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers." When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled. On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers." After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers." When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the ajoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom. |
| An attorney was painting
his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The
attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this
paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch." An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?" "Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes !" |
| Lawyers for for John duPont think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They have discovered that he still has a lot of money. |
| A preacher and an attorney
were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective
professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because
he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers
and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small
mistake he just ignored it and went on with life. The attorney turned to the preacher and asked "How do you do it, pastor?" The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness." The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?" The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER from the beginning.'" Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, "Well how did you handle it.?" The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on." |
| Taking his seat in his
chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been
presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits." |
| Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. |
| As the lawyer slowly came
out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn,
doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure." |
| Mr. Wilson was the chairman
of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful
lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend
his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last
year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What
do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" |
| Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt!!! |
| Two attorneys took a long
safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed
their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when
a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them
with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys’ rifles were too
far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don’t have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!" |
| A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught." |
| Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!" |
| A Russian, a Cuban, an American
and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of
the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world you
can find vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have
so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the
window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite
impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it. |
| NASA was interviewing
professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was
that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever
returning to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--New Mexico State University." The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer." |
| A truck driver used to
amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side
of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he
would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would
swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along
he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled
the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" |
| A man walking along the
beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant." |
| A pedestrian was standing
on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral procession. The procession had two
hearses followed by a man walking a dog. Directly behind the man was a
single-file line of at least two hundred people. Curious, the pedestrian approached the man walking the dog and asked what was going on. The man with the dog replied that in the first hearse was his ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian asked how the man died, and was told that the dog had bitten the lawyer and two days later the man had died. The pedestrian then asked about the second hearse whereupon the man with the dog explained that he was the lawyer who had represented his business partner in a long and vicious business breakup. The man with the dog went on to explain that the other lawyer too had been bitten by the dog, and had died two days later. The pedestrian pondered this information for a moment the whispered in the dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a while?" Without missing a step, the dog owner replied, "OK by me fella, but you're gonna have to wait your turn in line like everyone else". |
| Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt ? He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer. |
| A defending attorney was
cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death
certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" The coroner said, "No." "Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, "No." The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." |
| Sometimes the funniest
things lawyers say aren't meant to be jokes. The following questions from
lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you alone or by yourself? Q: How long have you been a French Canadian? Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? So you were gone until you returned? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! |
| The old man was critically
ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer". |
| The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!" |
| A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" |
| A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case. |
| A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand. The witness was a punk from the streets of London. "You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your background", the lawyer sneered. "I'd return the compliment if I wasn't under oath", the punk replied. |
| Why are laboratory scientists
switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments? 1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats, 2. the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, 3. there are some things a rat just won't do, and 4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it. |
| What did the lawyer name
his daughter? - Sue. And his son? - Bill. |
| What do you call a person
who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer. |
| What's the definition of
"a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? When there was an empty seat. |
| How many contract attorneys
does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." |
| It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. |
| A tourist wanders into
a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the
objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of
a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and
asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." |
| A lawyer and an engineer
were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house
burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked. |
