Lawyers Jokes
| A newly established lawyer,
wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the
phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be
able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked,"What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone." |
| A diminutive lawyer, appearing
as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who
was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was
a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head." |
| A lawyer discussing trial
strategy with his partner said, "When I address the jury, I'll plead for
clemency." "Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer." |
| Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months. |
| A lawyer was driving his
big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW."
Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously
survived, but his car was totalled. "My BMW! my BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "sir, sir, you're bleeding "my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "my Rolex! my Rolex!" |
| A lawyer's job is secure-who
would build a robot to do nothing? After examining the contents of the employee
suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd
be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?" The other day a lawyer remarked
to a friend, "I just finished a puzzle and it only took me five months."
"Five months?" her friend asked. "That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle." "Not at all," she explained. "The box says 6 to 12 years." |
| A lawyer was on his cell
phone, calling a locksmith. "I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer. "No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith. "Do you think you can make it a little sooner? " pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it's starting to rain." |
| A lawyer trying to get tickets
to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple
of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in
front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such
a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral." |
| A doctor told her patient
that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six
months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life." |
| A young man struck up a
communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he
admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening
and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone." |
| For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last
time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of
the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." |
| She: You just don't care
anymore! He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better? She: Like what? He: How about a trip to Europe? She: No. He: What about a new Jaguar? She: No. He: Well, what DO you want? She: A divorce. He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much. |
|
| A lawyer went on vacation
to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll
among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft. "Honey!" she shouted to her husband. "I'm melting!" |
| A very wealthy lawyer retreated
for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine.
Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?" |
| After years of hard work,
Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he
recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old
hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp." |
| A doctor vacationing on
the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" |
| Two lawyers walking through
the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened
his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy" you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." |
| Two lawyers were out hunting
when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first
lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting
they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them. |
| A golfer hooked his tee
shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw
a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said. |
| A lawyer drags in from
a day on the golf course looking wasted. His wife asks, "What's the matter?" "My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied. "That's terrible," said his wife. "You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...." |
| Did you hear that the Post
Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on. |
| A Mexican bandit made a
specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks
in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising
Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again." Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer." |
| A group of headhunters
sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as
follows: Sauteed Tourist $10 Braised Reporter $12 Fried Diplomat $15 Barbecued Lawyer $110 A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand." |
| Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him. |
| If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? |
| There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a hundred," he said. "Bury 10 of 'em." |
| A man died and was taken
to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits
and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up
to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" |
| A minister and lawyer were
chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." |
| A stingy old lawyer who
had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." |
| Having passed on, the lawyer
found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned
at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said,
"I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?" "Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?" Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan." |
| The devil visited a young
lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?" |
| A lawyer named Strange
was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter
asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man
and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim "That's Strange!" |
| Two probate lawyers were
overheard while discussing a current case: It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries. |
| A group of professional
men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting
dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable
how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust. The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest. |
| A gang of robbers broke
into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for
their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-we had $100 when we broke in!" |
| Out of towner: Any criminal
lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail. |
| A former lawyer applied
to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could
do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow." "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down." |
| Two women are on a
transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass
gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly,
the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see
a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?" The man yells back, "About a half mile from town." Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer." The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?" The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant." |
| If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. |
| A young lawyer with her
first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from
the point of the case. When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, "I'll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument." |
| A young attorney who had
taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit." "Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life." |
| "Your Honor, in the first
place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said
and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If
you had not said it, I was going to say it first." --A lawyer speaking to a judge |
| One juror overheard saying
to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney
swore to tell the truth!" Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. |
| A grade school teacher
was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first,"
she said, "What does you mother do all day?" Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?" Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" |
| A client who felt his legal
bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included
this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you.--$50.00." |
| A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment. |
| An elderly and somewhat
hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as
his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer,
"but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the
complexity, my fee is $4500." Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for one hour's work isn't bad." |
| A Brooklyn lawyer, a used
car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of
an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have
a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend
over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300. |
| Human one: I'm beginning
to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Human two: Why do you say that? Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'. |
| Some American academics,
discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand
why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge." |
| A famous lawyer found himself
at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake:
he was only 49 and far too young to be dead. "That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old." |
| Did you hear about the
new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. |
| A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime. |
| A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining." The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?" The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking." |
| A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense." |
| A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge." |
| A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself." |
| A red-faced judge convened
court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." |
| A lawyer cross-examined
the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards'
house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?" "Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer. There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?" "Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home." |
| The Judge admonished the
witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win." |
| Farmer Joe was suing a
trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" |
| A doctor and a lawyer in
two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was
a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from
his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney. |
| An elderly patient needed
a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used." |
| A doctor and a lawyer were
talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do
you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of
the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. |
| Three surgeons were discussing
their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you
cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said:
"I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and
numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable." |
| As the lawyer slowly came
out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn,
doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure." |
| Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. |
| A woman who was diagnosed
as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2
pound brain. She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600. She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That's fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000. "What?" she replied incredulously. "If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer's brain cost $10,000?" "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?" the doctor replied. |
| Just as a young man was
about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was
X-rayed instead. "Oh, no!" cried the lab technician. "Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers." |
| Two women are on a
transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass
gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly,
the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see
a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?" The man yells back, "About a half mile from town." Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer." The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?" The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant." |
| If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. |
| A young lawyer with her
first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from
the point of the case. When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, "I'll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument." |
| A young attorney who had
taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit." "Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life." |
| "Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." --A lawyer speaking to a judge |
| A junior partner in a law
firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused
of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and
released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately." |
| Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic. |
| When asked "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing." |
